Monthly Archives: November 2009

Red dirt, Big skies, Here We Come…

We are about to set off for a visit to the Mr.’s childhood home in Arizona. Specifically, to the red dirt and open nothingness of a place northeast of Flagstaff that his family calls “The Land.”

The Mr. is well used to this tract, having grown up there with his 8 siblings and 2 parents in a house they built by hand. After nearly a decade with the Mr., I am still not used to this place. Happily, for me, it is modernized some since he ran around barefoot as a kid – back then there was no hot water, no plumbling, no electricity. Solar panels and some other updates have helped. It is still a place where you can get up close to nature – you have to: Here, with nothing but flat red earth and fresh, sharp air for miles, nature hits you in the face.

It is the first time in 5 years we’ve been back, and then first time our little Punkernoodles will see Daddy’s childhood home – “The house that’s half underground!” as they’ve been chanting for weeks. Any anxiety I feel roaming the emptiness of a place so big and frontier-like, 45 minutes from the tiny town of Winslow (cue The Eagles), should be tempered this time by the excitement of these two little innocents, running around the mud and stone and salt bush, exploring this new world in amazement. Or I hope, anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone near and far!

N

Late Night Date Chat

This is what happens when you are married, own a business and you let your bookkeeping get a little too exciting. Setting: Punkernoodle HQ. Mr. Punkernoodle: downstairs computer in the diaper shop. Ms. Punkernoodle: upstairs computer on the marital bed. Chat box: open. Sadly, no drugs or alcohol involved.

11:02 PM Lukas: what’s an experience grobaby?
  cost $63
  ah
  i have my note here
  2 shells for 23.51 each
  1 soaker pad for 15.98
 me: it’s a package containing 2 Gro Babies plus 1 Gro Baby Soaker 2-pack
 Lukas: thanks
11:03 PM me: 24.95 plus 24.95 plus 16.95 plus the discount
  yeah
  righto
  🙂
 Lukas: I’ll stick with my numbers, which appear to have the discount already added in and accounted for
 me: yes they do
9 minutes

11:13 PM Lukas: FB-Wipes?
  FuzziBunz Wipes?
 me: ummm…
  not PB wipes
  ?
11:14 PM Lukas: oh, sorry
  yeah, pb
 me: ours, that we no longer sell
  Punkernoodle Baby
 Lukas: Right.
  FB doesn’t have wipes
  OK
  I’ll change that
 me: k
11:16 PM Lukas: BG-OS?
  bumGenius One Size?
 me: bumgenius one soze pocket
  yeah
 Lukas: OK, new product to enter then.
 me: yes
  yay
 Lukas: 🙂
11:17 PM Oops, alreay in there.
  That’s the only BG in there
11:18 PM me: well now we also sell the organic OS but that costs 20-something and is a new product too
  i only sold the first one this month tho
 Lukas: bg-ospocket
  That’s what is in there,
 me: yeah, 17.95?
 Lukas: is bg-os something diff?
  Yep.
 me: no
 Lukas: Sold it on 7/20
 me: yeah
11:19 PM this month you will add bg-osorganic
 Lukas: Ah
  OK.
11:20 PM Someone named XXX (the guilty are protected here) bought something for $439.24 on 7/20 but the receipt is blank.
11:21 PM hello?
11:22 PM me: getting it for you, it’s long hod n
  hold on
  in an email
  went to israel
 Lukas: ok
  ah
11:23 PM me: 1- Green Earth Chinese Prefolds, Bleached, Infant – pack of 36
11:25 PM 4 XS, 4 Small and 4 Medium Trsty coversh
  4 Size 1 Duo Wraps
  ooops Thirsties
  2 Size 2 Duo Wraps Thirsties
11:26 PM Lukas: duo wraps?
 me: might be new – Thirsties product, 12.75
  a cover
 Lukas: ah
  OK. Would I call it: Thir-DuoWrap?
11:27 PM me: yeah – Duo Wrap
 Lukas: OK, 4 or 2 of Thir-DuoWraps?
 me: 1 Wahmies pail liner

3 snappi diaper fasteners

1 wahmies wet bag – small I think but could be regular
11:28 PM whoa – hold on
  6 total
 Lukas: Ah
  OK. Diff sizes. I get it
 me: (they come in sizes but you don;t care)
 Lukas: Same price for different sizes?
 me: yeah
  12 Knickernappies stay dry hemp doublers
  i think
11:29 PM fuck
  thic is fucked
11:30 PM whoops – 12 duo wraps for her
  and 4 snappis (2 two-packs)
  regular wet bag
  and 8 Knickernappies stay-dry doublers
11:31 PM sorry, finally found the right email
  are you dead yet?
 Lukas: yeah
 me: 🙂
  xoxoxo
 Lukas: 🙂
  Let me start from the top
 me: she was a bigger pain than this is, if i recall
 Lukas: 36 chin prefolds
  What’sthe price there?
11:32 PM me: well there’s a pack. 73.75
 Lukas: OK, perfect
  36 for 73.75
 me: ya
 Lukas: Now, thir-cov?
 me: 12
11:33 PM Lukas: $12 at 11.50 each?
 me: ya
 Lukas: Sorry 12 at $11.50 each
  OK.
  Duo Wraps?
  Size 1 first,
  Size 2, second
  (this is not for me but your recipt.
 me: you dont ned sizes…
 Lukas: I just need the total
 me: ?
  12 total
  at 12.75
 Lukas: I’m filling in your blank receipt
11:34 PM I guess I’ll just go with 12
 me: don matter
 Lukas: ok
 me: but 8 size 1
  4 size 2
 Lukas: 12 for 12.75
 me: ya
 Lukas: 1 pail liner for ?
11:35 PM how much is the pail liner?
11:36 PM me: was different then, i think 16.5
  price hanged
 Lukas: ok
 me: chnanged
  FUCKTHISKEYBOARD
 Lukas: 1 wet bag for?
  🙂
 me: MOTHERFUCKINTHINGISSHIT
  15.5
 Lukas: ok
  kn-staydryhempdoublers?
 me: FUCKINSTUCKASSKEYS
11:37 PM Lukas: 12 for ?
 me: 8
  not 12
 Lukas: oh
  ok, for how much each?
  or just give me the total
 me: 4.5
  each
 Lukas: ok

11:38 PM is there more?
 me: CANTDOMATHKEYBOARDFUCKINGSUCKS
  my soul
  priceless

Lukas: I’ll get you a wireless keyboard for that piece of crap
11:39 PM me: MACBOOK
 Lukas: right, you can buy 3 pcs for the price of a macbook
  anyway,is there more to this receipt?
 me: nope
11:41 PM Lukas: what about the fastner thingies?
11:42 PM me: yeah
  snappis, 4 total
=
  2 2-packs
  2 two-packs
11:43 PM i am losing my mind.
  shellof my former self.
 Lukas: how much for those?
 me: FUCKINKEYBOARDNEEDSADIAPER

11:44 PM four fiddy each 2pac
  that’s 2-pack, not tu pac
 Lukas: Snappi Snappi Fastner Double Pack?
 me: do rappers use cloth diapers for their little g’s?
 Lukas: $4.5 each?
 me: yo yo yo thas right
 Lukas: NIce!
11:45 PM ok, I got something wrong, as my total is much higher than this.
11:46 PM 12 thir covers and 12 duowrap covers, or just 12 duowrap covers?
 me: sent her email to your gmail acct just now
  both
11:48 PM Lukas: ok, somethingis not right
  36 prefolds for $73.75
  12 thir-covs for 11.50 each
11:49 PM 12 thir-duowraps for 12.75 each
  1 pailiner for 16.5
  1 wet bag for 15.5
11:50 PM 8 kn-stay dry doubler for 4.5 each
  2 Snappi Snappi Fastner Double Pack for 4.5 each
 me: ya
11:51 PM Lukas: Total: 483.75
  Total you charged: 439.24
  Is this a no tax thing?
 me: no tax on this order
 Lukas: ok, that should be it.
11:52 PM why no tax?
 me: ISRAEL
 Lukas: Shipped for free, then?
 me: a friend took it to her
 Lukas: Ah
11:53 PM OK.
  It’s the right amt (just $2 bucks off).
 me: great fabulous
  yeehaw
11:54 PM Lukas: Yep. Thanks.
 me: nice doing business with ya
11:55 PM now get up here and make me forget about diapers.

Things That Go Grrrrr In The Night

owlshortear_2839

What is this, you ask? Meet Miss Owlie, our new family security guard. Miss O came home with us tonight, after an emergency trip to the local toy store. It wasn’t a cheap night, I’ll say that. Partly because we didn’t end up at no Toxics R Us. No no no, we headed straight for the all-natural, eco-friendly organic European import toy store. Miss Owlie actually hails from Mass. but I digress… It also wasn’t a cheap night because you never go to the toy store and just leave with one thing. Especially when you have two kids. So we also are the proud owners of one sparkly pink magic wand that was already on its way to unraveling as we left the store and one little Olivia doll. $55.75 later – cha-ching.

Ah – but the reason for Miss Owlie, I’m getting to that. It seems that in the Punkernoodle household we have finally reached the era of Irrational Preschooler Fears and Undeterrable Ideas. Punk One, who is now 4, has suddenly become overwhelmingly terrified of raccoons. Specifically, that raccoons will break into our house, getting past our alarm system, 40-pound dog and hermetically sealed vinyl windows, crawl up the stairs, enter her bedroom and … I don’t know what. I’m afraid if I ask for specifics she’ll freak out even more than she already is.

We’ve being woken up every 2 hours all night long for the past week (hello, can you say worse than a newborn feeding schedule?!) with such pleas as “I can’t do it” and “When is it going to stop?” – by the latter I can only assume she means when is her brain going to stop eating her alive. So we did the research. The fears are normal, in fact very common, for preschoolers. Which makes sense because I can remember as a 3-year-old torturing my mother for months about the witch who lived in the upper right-hand corner of my closet.

So we considered the options and decided on a confidence-building reverse psychology little-white-lie tact. With Punk One in rapt attention, I Binged for “raccoon predators” and read her the list, which included the expected wolves, foxes, mountain lions, coyotes and the unexpected owls and water moccasins and fishers (what the hell is a water moccasin?). Then we drove to the Socially Un-Objectionable Toy Store Where Nothing Shall Hail From China and let her loose. “Pick out a new friend who will protect you,” we cooed. After 20 minutes of squealing and shelf mauling, Miss Owlie was ours, along with Olivia and the wand, which was intended to cast spells on the bedroom so that no errant raccoons could penetrate.

In the car on the way home, Punk One, exuding a perilous new confidence, told her sister “now we don’t have to be afraid, Miss Owlie will protect us.” Punk Two, who is 2 1/2, looked right at her big sister and scoffed “I’m not afraid of any raccoons.” Apparently she is deciding to skip the Irrational Fears phase in favor of the Mortal Concerns Are No Skin Off My Back phase.

What about the little white lie, you ask? Well to seal the sweet deal and reclaim some mortal sleep, we informed Punk One before bed that our neighbor next door, and elderly lady obsessed with gardening, personally knew the one and only raccoon who lived in the neighborhood and in fact was quite good friends with her. This raccoon, we said, was a lovely little animal who liked to visit the garden now and again for some water but had absolutely no interest whatsoever in coming into our house through the cat door for a midnight nibble or even visiting with our 7 fresh, plump chickens living in the backyard.

Lastly, we cast a good spell on the room before tuck-in, and reminded her in an absolutely supportive and non-threatening way that hopefully Miss Owlie could get the job done and keep her in bed all night or she would have to head back to the Toy Store of the Gods to help another child. Yes, we are evil. And tired. And sick of talking about raccoons, which we all secretly know are indeed the most filthy, disgusting and terrifying predators roaming our streets in hungry packs of rabid death squads.

Here’s to a cozy night.